When I was just a baby Coco, my stay-at-home mother would turn the water in the toilets green every March 17. I used to think it was just because she had nothing else to do, because actually what do stay-at-home moms do all day (#careergoals), but then she was all, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day!” But like, who tf is St. Patrick, and why does he get his own day?
For starters, the kid isn’t even Irish. He was born in London, but is technically a Roman citizen because Britain was Roman back then. A.k.a he’s definitely not fucking Irish. So why is he the patron saint of Ireland you ask? Some asshole Irish pirates kidnapped him and he eventually escaped, and after he became a priest he said, “Y’all need Jesus,” and went back to Ireland to clean up their act.
Are you sitting down for this next part? HIS NAME ISN’T PATRICK. He was born Maewyn Succat and changed his name after becoming a priest. I don’t blame him. I would change my name if I became famous too. Apparently so did Calvin Harris because cunty Taylor Swift officially let everyone know this week that his name is actually Adam Wiles.
And as if this holiday weren’t bizarre enough already, St. Patrick didn’t wear green. Blue was his color. But, during the Irish Rebellion, the British wore red, so the Irish was green, which literally still doesn’t tell me why we didn’t just stick with blue.
Since the holiday traditionally falls during Lent, the church used to give everyone a day off from abstaining from things until blacking out like a betch became a serious problem. So in the 1700s-ish they tried to make St. Patrick’s Day a dry holiday. That didn’t go over very well, and in the late 20th century the Catholics realized they actually partied harder than any other religion and gave the people what they wanted – a random day centered around drinking.
We celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on March 17 because it’s the day of his death, but what about the other saints? Why should St. Patrick get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of the saints try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about St. Patrick? Hmm? And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what America is about, unless Trump gets his way. (Plot twist: He did.) We should totally just stab St. Patrick. *Name that movie*
Patrick seems like a nice enough guy, but this holiday is the most fraudulent thing I’ve ever heard of, and I’ll cheers to that.